Maribeth Doerr

Shades of Healing – A Wholehearted Life

Friday Faves – Helping, Fixing or Serving?

mary and mariFor those of you who like to serve others, here’s a wonderful article by Rachel Naomi Remen, MD.   I think it’s important to think about the why behind our efforts to work with others and this article helps us do that by asking if we’re there to help, fix or serve . . .

Helping, fixing and serving represent three different ways of seeing life. When you help, you see life as weak. When you fix, you see life as broken. When you serve, you see life as whole. Fixing and helping may be the work of the ego, and service the work of the soul.

Doesn’t that make you pause and rethink what you’re doing and what’s your motivation?  I love to “help” but I don’t think I see life as weak.  Have I been conveying that to people?  Perhaps I’ve been serving all along (because it does feel like soul work) and it’s a matter of semantics.  Whatever it is, it’s good to think about it and reassess my big WHY.  Here’s another juicy quote:

Those who serve have traded a sense of mastery for an experience of mystery, and in doing so have transformed their work and their lives into practice.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this article!

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Friday Faves – What’s your miracle?

I admit I’m a sap about a lot of things, but this Youtube video probably makes even the toughest of the tough cry.  Meet Charlotte Bottger who has cerebral palsy.  Like most little girls, she has dreams of being a ballerina.  Her father raised enough money to bring Charlotte to the USA for surgery that would help her walk.  This video is Charlotte dancing with David Pickering and Sander Blommaert of The Royal Ballet at the Royal Opera House in London.  It is precious and delightful and full of inspiration, and you’ll need kleenex at the end when she says, “I’m a ballerina.”  Yes Charlotte, you are!

Charlotte’s story was featured on a TV show called ‘What would be your Miracle?’ on ITV.com.  This makes me ask, what would be your miracle?  It doesn’t have to be some big medical cure.  Miracles come in all sizes.  So I ask, what would be yours?

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Shades of Healing – Holding Space for Myself

My Mom, Marie Wilder May 14, 1928 - July 30, 2011

My Mom, Marie Wilder
May 14, 1928 – July 30, 2011

This is my mom, Marie. Last Saturday, May 14, would have been her 88th birthday. May 14 is also my birthday.  Fifty-seven years ago, I got to be someone’s birthday present. After two boys who were 11 1/2 and 7 1/2, my mom didn’t think a baby girl was in the picture. Then I came along, on her birthday, a week late, and she hadn’t spoken to her husband, my dad, in two weeks. He went on a bowling tournament out of town when she was 39 weeks pregnant. I probably wouldn’t have spoken to him either! On the morning of her 31st birthday, my dad dropped mom off at the hospital and went to work. He stopped by the hospital on his way home from work to see if anything had happened. That’s when he found out from his sister, the head OB nurse, that he had a daughter (he was still getting the silent treatment).

Two days later, he walked into my mom’s hospital room on his way home from work and asked my mother if I’d been circumcised yet. Reportedly, my aunt said, “Brother dear, you do know babies come in different styles, don’t you?” That’s when my mother took pity on him and started talking to him again, probably by first laughing her head off.  Such was my beginning into the world😀

Because I had these two older wilder (yes that’s a pun on my maiden name) brothers, my mom was afraid I would turn out terribly spoiled. She asked my pediatrician about it and he told her, “Mrs. Wilder, she’s not spoiled; she’s just well loved.” And that was what my mother did best – she loved well. She was critical and judgmental but she loved well. It took someone who didn’t have her mother’s love to point this out to me. Life is amazing like that.  Six weeks before she died, my mother threw her arms around me and said, “you are the love of my life!”  She’d never said anything like that to me before.  Looking back, I’m sure she knew she was dying.  A lot of old hurts healed in that one spectacular moment, and I can still feel that hug and her breath on my neck as she said those words, as if it happened a second ago.

I miss her everyday, but especially every May 14. Out of the 52 years we had, we spent 50 birthdays together. My parents worked hard to make that happen! I tend to not quite know to do with myself on my birthday these days but it’s not a sad day either; it’s just very different. I’ll figure it out eventually!  In the meantime, I hold space for my own healing (see previous post on holding space – yes, we can hold space for ourselves too!).

bartoloThis year, I’d planned to visit my hospice patient who was just two weeks older than my mom.  I actually first met this woman at my mother’s funeral, and it just felt right to spend a few hours with her on my birthday.  She died five days before so I really felt lost which seems to bring out some ADHD in me.  Do you fellow grievers ever feel like grief gives you squirrel brain?  From the time I woke up on my birthday, I cried, I tried to read, I did some shopping – nothing was settling me down.  I tried quilting and my sewing machine was acting up so I wanted to google some help.  As I walked into my office, the picture to the right was sitting in front of my monitor.  It’s a picture of Mets pitcher Bartolo Colon.  I started to laugh immediately and I knew this was my birthday gift from one of my sons.  Bartolo pitched for the Oakland Athletics (my fave team) when I was terribly sick in 2012 & 13.  He’s a character, and watching him pitch when I was so sick was one of the few bright spots of that summer and fall.  He was traded to the Mets in 2014 and is still with them (BOOOOOOOOOO!).  A few weeks ago, Bartolo hit his first major league home run playing against the Padres in San Diego.  It was a hoot watching this 285+ lb 42-year-old pitcher lumbering around the bases; it’s just not something you see everyday and he may have set the record for slowest run around the bases.  We probably watched the clip 5 times!  (I know, we’re a bunch of boring baseball nerds.)  As goofy as this whole story sounds, it was a moodshifter for my birthday.  I laughed and laughed and will chuckle every time I see this picture.  My son got me a goofy gift that he knew I’d get a kick out of and I with that one simple thing, I let go of all the angst that was making my shoulders rise up over my ears.  I could breathe again.  And what do you know, when I got back to my sewing machine, it stopped acting up!

If there are any takeaways to this story, it’s healing is always available, even in the most unlikely of ways and even when we think we don’t need any more healing.  Being open to it and being willing to be surprised by it is one way of holding space for ourselves.   It’s hard to quiet down the squirrel chatter of a grieving mind to listen and hold that space, but when we can open our hearts enough to let in a little light (like laughing at a silly picture), healing happens.  It just does!

If you want to see that 285 lb, 42-year-old first major league home run by Bartolo Colon, check it out here:

 

 

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Friday Faves – What it means to “hold space” for people, plus eight tips on how to do it well

For the last year, I’ve been a hospice volunteer.  One of these days I’ll write about what it means to me to do this work, but right now, my heart is a bit too tender to do that.  My most recent patient died this past Monday night.  She was a character, and I can only hope that my visits helped her a tiny fraction of what I felt from spending these precious last weeks of her life with her.

It’s with this hard joyful work in my heart that I introduce you to an extraordinary woman named Heather Plett.  I was taking an online mandala class with her when her mother died.  A year ago, Heather wrote an amazing article, What it means to “hold space” for people, plus eight tips on how to do it well, that was birthed out her experiences with her mother.  It seems ironic that this post is going viral now, 14 months later, but I’m so glad it is.  As a hospice volunteer, “holding space” is what we do.  But truthfully, this is a gift we can give ANYONE, not just the dying and the bereaved.  Anyone who needs someone to listen will benefit from a kind soul holding space for them . . . and Heather explains how to do just that.

Please give it a read and while you’re there, learn more about Heather and her work.

And um, hold space for me tomorrow, May 14, and I remember my mom on what would have been her 88th birthday, which also happens to be my birthday.  Thank you!

God’s blessings to all of you . . .

 

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Friday Faves – Wild Horses and a proud daddy

I love to listen to X Factor, The Voice, and Britain’s Got Talent auditions on YouTube.  I stumbled onto one from BGT a few weeks ago, and I haven’t been able to get it out of my mind.  Not only is this young Welsh singer incredible, but she seems so genuine.  The judges clearly adored her, including Simon Cowell!  Her father is in the audience and the look of nervousness and pride on his face is so precious . . . OMG I wanted to hug him as well!  Wild Horses is a great song but listen to this version and see what you think.  Maybe it’ll touch your soul like it’s touched mine.❤

 

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